White House says unemployment data may signal a decline in cancer diagnoses, highway deaths



"Here's to a statistically
awesome 2012!"

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House said today that the recent significant drop in unemployment may actually trigger reductions in the number of people being diagnosed with cancer and may even reduce highway fatalities. 

According to Bureau of Labor Statistics, the unemployment rate fell to 8.6 percent last month, the lowest level in more than two years. Much of the drop is attributed to the fact that 315,000 people simply gave up looking for work, which means that in addition to being out of work, these newly un-unemployed have no healthcare coverage or unemployment benefits. 

"We're pretty pleased with both the results and the timing of this report, coming as it does just weeks before the first Republican caucus," said one administration official who spoke on  condition of anonymity because he was breaking a lot of rules by gabbing to the press. "Based on our calculations, we expect to see a big reduction next year in the number of people being diagnosed with cancer and even the number of people killed in car crashes."

According to the soon-to-be-fired administration official, people who have dropped out of the workforce and no longer qualify for unemployment benefits simply cannot afford medical treatment. As a result, their cancers won't be diagnosed.

In addition, the official said, a large percentage of those who have lost their jobs will also lose their cars. Over time, this will lead to a reduction in the number of people on the highways and, subsequently, to a reduction in highway fatalities. High gas prices are also expected to reduce the number of miles driven by people who still have their cars, which should cut the highway fatality rate even more in 2012.

"Our re-election chances are looking better with each report," the administration official said. "Which is a damn good thing because, really, it's almost impossible to find a job these days."

The White House voiced some concern about a projected increase in shoplifting, domestic violence, and suicides, but determined that those issues will not reach a critical stage until well after the 2012 election.