Saturday, March 10, 2012

Kony Capitalism

Has someone you love swallowed the Kony Kool Aid? If so, drag him to this site immediately and hold his face under it for a full 15 minutes.

If he does not respond, quickly remove his Kony bracelet, log onto this site and read the text aloud slowly and clearly, making sure he absorbs all of the facts.

If all else fails, you may have to physically pull his head out of his ass and insist that he do some serious research and think for himself before giving money to a self-aggrandizing charlatan. Then direct him to a list of charities that are actually in Central Africa helping people.

(IMPORTANT: if the victim is a woman, please change the pronouns accordingly.)

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Greenbax

Based on Dr. Seuss' original story, The Lorax. With apologies to Dr. Seuss. ... For the movie. For the unethical marketing strategy. For the Truffula-Tree-Certified hypocrisy. For the whole stinking mess.

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"Dear Lord, is there
nothing I wouldn't
do for a buck?"

At the far end of town
where the Grickle-grass grows
and the wind smells slow-and-sour when it blows
and no birds ever sing excepting old crows …
is the School of the Lifted Greenbax.

Who owned the Greenbax?
And why should you care?
And why were they lifted and taken somewhere
from the far end of town where the Grickle-grass grows?
The old VanRoekel was just there.
Ask him. He’ll know.

"Now I’ll tell you,” he says, with his hair dapper gray,
“how the Greenbax got lifted and taken away …
It all started this year …
At The Lorax premiere…

Way back in the days when we all were still green
and our ear-backs were wet
and our hearts were still clean,
and songs like “Don Gato” rang out in the schools …
I came to this place to try bending some rules.

And I first saw the dupes!
The innocent dupes!
The bright shiny faces of the innocent dupes!
Row after row, and some gathered in groups.

And, raising those dupes I saw poor ma’s and pa’s
frisking about in their worn-out used cars
as they dropped off and picked up their gifted young stars.

But those kids! Those kids!
Those impressionable kids!
All my life I’d been searching
For kids just like this.
A “soft touch” on their folks
and adults of their ilk
will make us quite rich.
They’re so easy to milk.

In no time at all, Mazda partnered with us.
Then we gave a few bucks to a short guy named Gus
to dress like the Lorax (though at first he said “no!”).
And I sent him to school to rake in the dough.

“Children,” he said with a reddish-faced wheeze,
“I am the Lorax, I speak for small fees.
I speak for these fees to bamboozle the young.
And I’m asking you kids at the top of my lungs” –
He was loud ‘cause he needed the job to survive –
“Your folks have just GOT to take a test drive!”

“Look, Lorax,” I said. “There’s no need here to shout.
We’ve colluded with Mazda. We’ve worked it all out.
We’re being quite clever. This deal serves us all --
Disney and Mazda, and me most of all.

It's a ruse. It's a sham. It's a con. It's a trick.
We tell all the kids that their library’s sick.
To help it get better, all they need do
is to get mom or dad to take a test drive. Or two.

For each simple test drive (no need to make offers!)
Mazda pays a small fee which we stick in our coffers.
At ONE MILLION BUCKS (thanks to public largess)
We’ll dole out small bits through an undisclosed “process.”

              The Lorax said,
              “Sir, you are crazy with greed.
              There’s no school board on Earth
              that would let you proceed!”

But the very next minute I proved he was wrong.
For the kids in the school broke into a song.
“Now, get on that stage and start dolling out hugs
Or you’ll find yourself jobless and back selling drugs.”

The Lorax said nothing. Just gave me a glance …
Just gave me a very sad, sad backward glance …
As he lifted himself by the seat of his pants.
And I’ll never forget the grim look on his face
when he heisted himself and took leave of this place,
past the wide-eyed young children, he was paid to debase.

That wasn’t so long ago.
But each day since that day
I’ve sat here and worried
how the story would play.
But though we have blasted releases with charts
none in the media has torn us apart!
All of which tells me
This is only the start.